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I feel very drained. I could benefit from a day where I just don’t do anything except maybe watch a movie and read a magazine, but I have too much work and studying to do. Tonight I’m going to Shakespeare in the Park with one of my best girl friends, which should be fun.
But the past few days I have felt very depressed, and it hasn’t only been caused by the traumatic Couchsurfer hosting experience. I am still recovering from my last break-up, which was actually the impetus for starting this blog, although I haven’t discussed it yet because doing so might generate a novel.
Just the basics for now: I am referring to “CM.” We started dating in December. We were on and off for most of April and May. I should have kicked him to the curb much sooner. The last time I saw him was May 18th. The last time I talked to him was June 2nd. I would like to just forget him. He was a toxic person for me. 70% of the time he made me feel miserable, especially towards the end when things were getting serious. But I’m suffering from invasive thoughts about him and a running dialogue with him – a totally pointless dialogue because it doesn’t contain anything I haven’t said or written to him before, none of which got through his thick skull or made an impression on his empty heart.
But I was attached to him, against my better judgment. And breaking that attachment feels like withdrawing from a drug (not that I’ve ever done that before – but there is scientific evidence to back this up; see “Love Addiction – How to Break It”). My brain is undergoing as many changes as my heart. It hurts.
Breaking up with a bad boyfriend is just as hard as ending things with a good one, if not harder, because you may have had hope that they would come around and change for the better. You wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but after a while they just don’t deserve it anymore.
I must keep myself moving in the forward direction that is also known as “moving on.” Which is why I have a first date (afternoon coffee) with someone from Chemistry.com tomorrow. Hopefully I can snap out of this funk before then.
