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One way to get over someone is to develop a crush on a new person. Maybe it’s not the best way – but hey, whatever works, right? Right now I’m daydreaming about Bert (not his real name!), who’s actually not a completely new person. I met Bert last fall at a Halloween party. I was dating his friend Kurt. I was never that into Kurt and only dated him for 2 months. But the moment I saw Bert at this party I was instantly drawn to him, feeling a strong sense of animal magnetism – perhaps due to the fact that he was dressed as a werewolf – but even after I saw him again, sans fur, I fell for his black hair and deep-pools-of-cocoa eyes, and I found his somewhat quiet, bumbling demeanor endearing. I was also attracted to the fact that he’s an architect and has an impossible-to-pronounce last name. Intelligent? creative? down to earth? exotic? Check x4.
I managed to get added to Bert’s Facebook, and after Kurt and I broke up I started e-mailing Bert once or twice a week, general get-to-know-you chit chat. I wouldn’t say that sparks flew. Bert seemed to be holding back, but that was understandable considering I had just dated his friend, who was upset that I dumped him, and I know there is some kind of related “bro code” that guys aren’t supposed to violate. Also, as I would come to learn, Bert is not very suave or experienced with dating. He’s close to his family and throws himself into his work. But, alas, New Year’s Eve arrived and neither of us had anything to do. Interestingly, I had gone on my first date with CM in Decemeber but then he went out of town for an extended period of time around the holidays, and we were chatting over IM during this time, but things were not serious yet and he was not around for New Year’s. So Bert and I went to the White Flag Projects party, where we proceeded to get completely wasted. Ugh. I really do not like getting wasted, but we had prepaid for the alcohol and there was tons of it, plus we were nervous so we just kept drinking. Bert confided in me that he felt a bit guilty for going out with me due to the Kurt situation, but I told him it was OK. I remember telling myself that we were just going out as friends, although I can’t remember if I communicated that to him or not. Irregardless (yes, I know that’s not a real word), we ended up kissing at midnight… and afterward… but it was such a drunken blur, ugh. I was really upset with myself with the next day, first of all because I was insanely hungover, second of all because if Bert and I were going to get together I did not want our story to start that way, and third, even though I was not established as “together” with CM, he and I had been chatting everyday and I had told him Bert was just a friend. He still does not know I hooked up with Bert that night. I felt like I had cheated on CM, although he and I had only 1 date with no physical contact at this point.
I was very confused after the New Year’s Party. Bert called me the next day and said we should plan a date for the following week. I said OK but I let him know that I was also seeing another guy… Bert said that was fine – he almost sounded relieved actually. It was 2 weeks before we went out again and our 2nd date was very tame – a museum and pizza. I don’t think Bert offered to pay for me. CM seemed a bit concerned that I went out with Bert but I downplayed it and said I was not interested in Bert as anything more than a friend. This was a lie – I was attracted to Bert as more. But at the same time I was also very attracted to CM, and I felt that things with Bert were not moving along. I know that he found me attractive but he seemed hesitant to date me or maybe just averse to dating in general. I think he had a girlfriend in college but no much dating or activity since then, and his college was quite a while ago. Bert was moving a lot slower than I was used to, and I was concerned that he might be too ingrained into his independent, single lifestyle. We had great conversation but he seemed to not be able to take any step forward. Obviously there were a lot of things complicating the situation (CM and Kurt), but I felt like even if those things weren’t in the picture, Bert would have taken forever to get to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, and I’m not a patient person. Meanwhile, CM had returned from out of town and things were heating up with him. There were a lot of red flags with CM too, but I felt I had to choose to between these two guys, and I chose CM. I told Bert over e-mail and he seemed surprised and upset. He and I did not talk for a long time.
That was January and now it’s August. Things with CM are over, having finally run their course. I’ve chatted with Bert casually on IM a few times in the last month and haven’t mentioned that CM and I are broken up, but I think he’s acertained it from Facebook. I sent Bert an e-mail 2 days ago and he wrote back and (yay yay yay) asked me to go to dinner or get coffee. I’m waiting for him to confirm where and when. It could take days…
I’m still not sure there is a love connection possible for Bert and I but this could be another chance for me to find out.
I think I have finally cut the cord with CM (yes!). I made some important realizations over the last week about how unhealthy our relationship was and how we were never, ever going to get what it is we really want from each other. CM helped this along by sending me an e-mail admitting that he is “messed up” and comparing our relationship to that of the Edward Norton and Helena Bonham-Carter characters in Fight Club. This was accurate. And disturbing.
For a few days last week I enjoyed writing a guy named Michael on OkCupid. He seemed promising. We exchanged 4 or 5 e-mails. In his final e-mail he asked for my phone number. I went to reply and send him my number when my screen displayed a message that his profile could not be found: The user had deleted their account. WTF? Why would you engage someone in e-mail correspondence and ask for their number, then literally hours later delete your account? He and I have no way of contacting each other now. I am left to wonder whether he had a wife or GF on the scene who discovered his account and deleted it for him.
I received a new msg from someone on OkCupid today, but his screen name contains “69.” Sorry, this is an automatic dismissal. I’m a prude that way.
So I have no prospects. This is a very unsettling feeling for me. I don’t like it. I have plenty to keep busy with, but … argh. No prospects. I’m also trying eHarmony, which is a complete waste. That deserves its own post, to follow.
My sleep schedule is completely messed up due to me taking 2 naps yesterday. I have that groggy feeling of oversleeping. I am going to get out of the house today and go to a coffee shop to work, eventually. I have managed to each breakfast. Now must shower.
I am so sad. I feel like someone or something is pressing down on me. I should be happy because I can leave this asshole behind now. But we had some good times that I will never enjoy again.
I believe that CM is/was 2 different people. I hate the evil CM for being so careless with my heart and for keeping the good CM and I apart. I mourn the loss of the good CM.
I dunno if anyone is actually reading this blog but they might be confused as to why I am so upset. I should have started the blog sooner and written more things about CM to explain everything. He was my reason for starting this blog but often I did not write about him much in the beginning because I was trying to get over him. Maybe I will write more about him now.
We dated off and on (but mostly on) from December to May, then didn’t see each for a month but kept in touch. We started seeing each other again 2.5 weeks ago and it was like one of those honeymoon periods. I stupidly stupidly thought we were getting back together, that we has making progress, that we had a chance now. But he never wanted to be back with me. I found out he was continuing to search online for new dates while chatting with me every day, shacking up with me and playing house 2 weekends in a row, and even planning a future trip with me! (that obviously he wasn’t serious about). Basically, he was leading me on and using me, thinking he could have his cake and eat it too. He only told one of his friends that he was seeing me again. He treated me like an illegitimate relationship during this time, not the serious lovebirds he claimed we were. Keep in mind this is someone I’ve known and been with for 6 months, not a few weeks. I had a lot invested in this so I didn’t appreciate being treated like a fling.
When I confronted him about his disrespectful behavior he basically went mute and then hung up the phone on me. I tried repeatedly to call him back but he refused to answer his phone. He sent me an e-mail saying he was scared, but he has never explained to me in any detail what he is or was scared about. If you are scared tell me what I can do to help you, tell me what you need from me.
I told him how upset I was and that I would not accept this behavior. I wanted to be a legitimate exclusive girlfriend or nothing at all. He whined that he felt pressured. The guy is 31 years old and has been spending significant time with me since December. I let him date other people for over a month. He has had plenty of time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me – he cannot stall any longer. Either he wants to work on our issues and be with me or he doesn’t! Sometimes an ultimatum like this is the only answer. I want to be with someone who truly wants to be with me.
Other shitty stuff happened on Tuesday which I’ve summed up in the past few posts. But basically, he showed no desire to fight for us, very little remorse for putting me through this, and no willingness to accept accountability and deal with things. The same girl he claimed to care about and at one time want to protect he was now completely abandoning. This type of behavior makes me go freakin’ crazy. I was not completely surprised based on our history but I was extremely disappointed because I had felt we had grown very close in those last 2 “reunion” weeks together – I really felt we were making progress. How could he fuck things up again?? I wrote him numerous e-mails on Tuesday night and Wed. morning to show how I upset I was. I wanted to rub it in his face and show him the consequences of his carelessness. I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday night. He is too chicken to face me. But knowing him, it’s very possible he is concocting some bullshit excuse-filled letter for me right about now, which I don’t want to read. So I created a filter on my g-mail to immediately delete his e-mails and block his chats.
CM is one of those people who doesn’t think he has to play by the same rules as everyone else, whether it’s his work or his relationships. He thinks that the rules that applied to me didn’t apply to him. As I see this aspect of him more fully now I am completely disgusted with him, which is good. I need to lose all my attraction to him. I need to see him for the selfish, dishonest, and uncaring person that he really is, that he has been to me.
I wish I could find a man who would fight for me – who would fight for our relationship. Who wouldn’t constantly hem and haw. Who would, after an argument, call me and apologize or come over announced and give me a hug and let me know that he was still there, that we were still in this together.
I had that once so I know it’s possible. But I did not have it with CM at all.
CM was so quick to give up and look for someone else that he actually posted a Craigslist ad looking for new dates immediately after we had an argument today. An argument regarding why he was still logging in to Match.com and maintaining his profile there. I have all the proof I need to show that he wasn’t in it to win it. Unless he clearly has a different definition of “winning.”
I thought he had made progress, but he is just as lame as he always was.
I know I deserve better. But I feel so disappointed, rejected, and abandoned.
I don’t understand why someone who I cared about so much and treated well would knowingly hurt me so much? Would show such blatant disregard for my feelings and our (supposed bond)? Why? Why? Why?
Had a great weekend with CM – our 2nd in a row. We’ve hit a good streak! This could work! (fingers crossed). We cooked together at home and then went to Chocolate Bar for dessert (our favorite place), and on the following night we saw Wall-E, which we both enjoyed (afterward we started doing the voices of Wall-E and Eve-a like big lovesick dorks). I beat him twice at online Scrabble, but during one of the games he played the word “love” and sheepishly prefaced his move be saying “Now, this isn’t worth a lot of points, but…” Awww! He has come a long way in the month we spent apart. I hid my profile on Chemistry.com a few days ago and am focusing just on him now.
He did not end up meeting my parents this weekend because the blueberries are not yet ripe for picking. They should be ready in a few days…
CM stayed over Saturday and Sunday night and we acted like lovebirds the whole time (his phrase, not mine). I felt closer to him then every before. Is it a mirage? Are we back together? What’s going on? No one knows. He is being really nice to me though and not as critical as before.
This is crazy, but I think I am finally going to introduce him to my parents this weekend. It’s an idea that CM and I have tossed around for a few months now and I am just going to get it over with, even though CM and I are currently in a limbo stage. I picked this weekend because it is our family’s annual blueberry picking outing and I think it will be a fun and relaxed activity for CM to join. He is nervous because this is the first time he will have ever met the parents of a girl he’s dating. He is still a bit inexperienced on the relationship front, which has been part of the problem for us. He has required some training. He previously resisted but now he’s accepting it, I think.
Technically we are still allowed to see other people but neither of us want to. But we are not ready to rush into the BF/GF label again yet. But I’m introducing him to my parents. Makes total sense!
Eh, now I am getting nervous too. CM and I have had such problems. Is there any real hope for us? Will any of my friends accept that he can be a good for me after I’ve complained about him so much? Crap.
I relapsed this week. My ex (CM) and I had not seen each other for a month, but he came over very late on Tuesday and spent the night and we hung out until the early evening on Wednesday. I told him about my impending dates, and I still went through with them. Not much to write about: Friday guy’s personality was better than Thursday guy – Thursday guy drinks a bit too much for my tastes. Neither guy blew me away, but I’m probably not ready to date yet.
CM said he had been chatting with a few girls from Match.com and was maybe going to meet one, but on Thursday he decided he didn’t like her anymore. After each of my dates this week I came home and logged onto IM and gave CM a report, which I was not obligated to do, but I did anyway. Totally weird and unkosher, I know.
CM is planning to come over tonight… We miss each other. We are addicted to each other. What am I going to do with him?
I took down my CL ad. It was too much trouble. I have a few good leads right now to work with and two first dates scheduled for this week! One of the dates is actually from Chemistry.com. I’ll call him The Fisherman, because he likes to fish (he’s cool though). I will have dinner with him on Friday. After this guy, I think I will have exhausted my resources at Chemistry.com. There are too many conservative guys on there. Friends don’t let friends date conservatives!!
My other date this week is someone from my ad who I’ll just call Dan b/c that’s his name. Safe enough. We’re planning to meet on Thursday at a bar/restaurant. I’m kind of feeling better about the Fisherman at this point, but we’ll see.
I’m still e-mailing with two other guys from my ad, which brings my total to four men currently in the wings, which is pretty overwhelming for me. Even though I haven’t met any of these guys yet, I am used to being a one-man woman. The juggling of casual dating does not come easy to me.
Even with all these guys to e-mail I am missing me ex more than ever. I actually considered going to Walgreen’s and picking up the kind of Tag body spray that he used to wear so I can spray it on my sheets and pillows. Seriously, it’s like I need a “fix” of him that bad.
I did write in my CL ad that I am getting over someone, but the Fisherman ala Chemistry.com does not know this. I hope it does not become an issue.
I feel very drained. I could benefit from a day where I just don’t do anything except maybe watch a movie and read a magazine, but I have too much work and studying to do. Tonight I’m going to Shakespeare in the Park with one of my best girl friends, which should be fun.
But the past few days I have felt very depressed, and it hasn’t only been caused by the traumatic Couchsurfer hosting experience. I am still recovering from my last break-up, which was actually the impetus for starting this blog, although I haven’t discussed it yet because doing so might generate a novel.
Just the basics for now: I am referring to “CM.” We started dating in December. We were on and off for most of April and May. I should have kicked him to the curb much sooner. The last time I saw him was May 18th. The last time I talked to him was June 2nd. I would like to just forget him. He was a toxic person for me. 70% of the time he made me feel miserable, especially towards the end when things were getting serious. But I’m suffering from invasive thoughts about him and a running dialogue with him – a totally pointless dialogue because it doesn’t contain anything I haven’t said or written to him before, none of which got through his thick skull or made an impression on his empty heart.
But I was attached to him, against my better judgment. And breaking that attachment feels like withdrawing from a drug (not that I’ve ever done that before – but there is scientific evidence to back this up; see “Love Addiction – How to Break It”). My brain is undergoing as many changes as my heart. It hurts.
Breaking up with a bad boyfriend is just as hard as ending things with a good one, if not harder, because you may have had hope that they would come around and change for the better. You wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but after a while they just don’t deserve it anymore.
I must keep myself moving in the forward direction that is also known as “moving on.” Which is why I have a first date (afternoon coffee) with someone from Chemistry.com tomorrow. Hopefully I can snap out of this funk before then.
