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One way to get over someone is to develop a crush on a new person. Maybe it’s not the best way – but hey, whatever works, right? Right now I’m daydreaming about Bert (not his real name!), who’s actually not a completely new person. I met Bert last fall at a Halloween party. I was dating his friend Kurt. I was never that into Kurt and only dated him for 2 months. But the moment I saw Bert at this party I was instantly drawn to him, feeling a strong sense of animal magnetism – perhaps due to the fact that he was dressed as a werewolf – but even after I saw him again, sans fur, I fell for his black hair and deep-pools-of-cocoa eyes, and I found his somewhat quiet, bumbling demeanor endearing. I was also attracted to the fact that he’s an architect and has an impossible-to-pronounce last name. Intelligent? creative? down to earth? exotic? Check x4.
I managed to get added to Bert’s Facebook, and after Kurt and I broke up I started e-mailing Bert once or twice a week, general get-to-know-you chit chat. I wouldn’t say that sparks flew. Bert seemed to be holding back, but that was understandable considering I had just dated his friend, who was upset that I dumped him, and I know there is some kind of related “bro code” that guys aren’t supposed to violate. Also, as I would come to learn, Bert is not very suave or experienced with dating. He’s close to his family and throws himself into his work. But, alas, New Year’s Eve arrived and neither of us had anything to do. Interestingly, I had gone on my first date with CM in Decemeber but then he went out of town for an extended period of time around the holidays, and we were chatting over IM during this time, but things were not serious yet and he was not around for New Year’s. So Bert and I went to the White Flag Projects party, where we proceeded to get completely wasted. Ugh. I really do not like getting wasted, but we had prepaid for the alcohol and there was tons of it, plus we were nervous so we just kept drinking. Bert confided in me that he felt a bit guilty for going out with me due to the Kurt situation, but I told him it was OK. I remember telling myself that we were just going out as friends, although I can’t remember if I communicated that to him or not. Irregardless (yes, I know that’s not a real word), we ended up kissing at midnight… and afterward… but it was such a drunken blur, ugh. I was really upset with myself with the next day, first of all because I was insanely hungover, second of all because if Bert and I were going to get together I did not want our story to start that way, and third, even though I was not established as “together” with CM, he and I had been chatting everyday and I had told him Bert was just a friend. He still does not know I hooked up with Bert that night. I felt like I had cheated on CM, although he and I had only 1 date with no physical contact at this point.
I was very confused after the New Year’s Party. Bert called me the next day and said we should plan a date for the following week. I said OK but I let him know that I was also seeing another guy… Bert said that was fine – he almost sounded relieved actually. It was 2 weeks before we went out again and our 2nd date was very tame – a museum and pizza. I don’t think Bert offered to pay for me. CM seemed a bit concerned that I went out with Bert but I downplayed it and said I was not interested in Bert as anything more than a friend. This was a lie – I was attracted to Bert as more. But at the same time I was also very attracted to CM, and I felt that things with Bert were not moving along. I know that he found me attractive but he seemed hesitant to date me or maybe just averse to dating in general. I think he had a girlfriend in college but no much dating or activity since then, and his college was quite a while ago. Bert was moving a lot slower than I was used to, and I was concerned that he might be too ingrained into his independent, single lifestyle. We had great conversation but he seemed to not be able to take any step forward. Obviously there were a lot of things complicating the situation (CM and Kurt), but I felt like even if those things weren’t in the picture, Bert would have taken forever to get to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, and I’m not a patient person. Meanwhile, CM had returned from out of town and things were heating up with him. There were a lot of red flags with CM too, but I felt I had to choose to between these two guys, and I chose CM. I told Bert over e-mail and he seemed surprised and upset. He and I did not talk for a long time.
That was January and now it’s August. Things with CM are over, having finally run their course. I’ve chatted with Bert casually on IM a few times in the last month and haven’t mentioned that CM and I are broken up, but I think he’s acertained it from Facebook. I sent Bert an e-mail 2 days ago and he wrote back and (yay yay yay) asked me to go to dinner or get coffee. I’m waiting for him to confirm where and when. It could take days…
I’m still not sure there is a love connection possible for Bert and I but this could be another chance for me to find out.
A threshold is defined as “the starting point for a new state or experience.” One threshold in my life relates to my weight. A few years ago I discovered what I will call an “attractiveness threshold” that corresponds to my weight. Rather than put the actual poundage here (this stuff is a bit traumatic for us girls) I’ll use BMI. My BMI threshold is 25.4 – just a hair above the cut-off for normal weight, a smidge into the overweight category. When I am at or below this BMI, I get more “looks” and interest from the opposite sex. I noticed this during a period of weight loss when I was living on the East Coast and I encountered a lot more people on the street, when using public transportation, etc. Of course the use of public transportation and more walking is what helped me lose weight during that period also, but that’s another topic.
I realize that increased self-confidence and happiness due to weight loss can be a contributing factor to boosting attractiveness, but I still think that the idea of a BMI attractiveness threshold has merit.
Every guy has his own preference for female body type, but I would wager that this threshold holds up for most men and even across cultures. Probably it has a basis in human evolution. I know that researchers have studied the human male’s preferred “waist-to-hip ratio” and found that men prefer a waist significantly narrower than the hips (I’ve got this one down pat), but I’m not sure if anyone has studied men’s preferences for BMI in women. (I’m too lazy to look it up at this time…)
Currently, I am above my self-determined attractiveness “threshold,” but I am slowly making my way back towards it. My BMI now is 26.3, which puts me at the low end of overweight. Thankfully I have never been in the obese category, but in my adult life I have fluctuated between about 24.4 and 27.5, the highest being my senior year of college. For the past month I’ve been on Weight Watchers and it’s working, but slowly. My goal is to get down to 24.5 BMI again, putting me in the clear for normal weight and well below my threshold. I really like to eat – I’m a “foodie” – and I’m not so much into running or high-impact exercise, so honestly I don’t know if I can make it back to 24.5 BMI and sustain it. But I will be happy if I can settle around 25.0 BMI, which is still below my threshold and is a weight at which I’ll be able to fit into some stylish apparel hanging in my closet now that won’t zip up when I try it on.
This post might sound self-absorbed and superficial, but obviously one of my big goals is to find love, and being healthy and fit is a no-brainer for making yourself more desireable to the dating world as well as a better partner once you snag someone. I’m not deluding myself that if I lose weight my life will be perfect and Prince Charming will fall out of the sky, but maybe it will get me one step closer?
Related links: http://www.livescience.com/health/060213_attraction_rules.html
I still have about 1 month prepaid with eHarmony, and I’m trying to see if I can get anything out of it before I cancel. Recently they started sending me “Flexible Matches,” some that are actually remotely in the vicinity of STL. The interesting thing about these matches is that the majority seem to be closer to my type and who I’m looking for than who they usually send me (i.e., the most boring people they can find in Arkansas, Indiana, and Iowa). I don’t know what to make of my higher interest in the flexible matches. It could just be coincidence of course. On the other hand, it seems that eHarmony’s “compatibility system” has a very different idea of who I would match best with than I do. I suppose it’s possible that they know better, and I’m completely deluding myself and barking up the wrong tree. But I have been on this planet for a while, dating for almost half of my time here, and I know what I want. It’s frustrating to be told that I’m only compatible with people I have no interest in.
I have felt this frustration throughout my dating history: The guys I tend to be attracted to are not attracted to me. The ones who are interested in me, I tend not to go for (e.g., military guys, suburban types, Republicans). When I do find someone with whom I share a mutual chemistry, I get so excited and eager that sometimes I scare them away. Or for some other reason, such as them being an idiot, things fall apart, and I am back to square one. I have also tried to force myself to date guys for whom I felt no passion, hoping it would develop later, but it never did.
Getting back to eHarmony, I’m also annoyed that they send me so many guys who are much shorter than me. At 5′9″ I don’t mind dating down about an inch, but anything more than that looks silly. I’ve tried it in the past, and it felt awkward. It would seem to me that a major height difference in a taller woman/shorter man pairing should qualify the match for the flexible category – but no. Matching my non-religious self with the God-fearing should also be considered flexible. But of course I have no say in the matter.
I haven’t actually gone on a date yet with anyone from eHarmony. I end up closing most of my matches. It’s possible I’m being too picky, I’m sending off the wrong signals, etc. I’m probably not ready to date yet after CM or I’m not in a good place right now and I need to focus on other things… 
