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I’ve been neglecting the blog a bit due to other responsibilities, but let me just write a rant now on how terrible eHarmony is. I know some people have had luck finding spouses there, but first of all, the men on the site in this area are generally too religious for me, to the point of talking about the Grace of God in their profile. That is a bit much for me (and I doubt they could tolerate an unenlightened “spiritual but not religious” person such as me). But even worse is the fact that after viewing the matches they’re sending me I’m 99% sure that their touted compatibilty/matching algorithm is bogus. Why? Because I was “matched” with a completely fake profile that someone obviously created as a joke. The picture was of Will Farrell and every profile answer lauded the glory of Bud Light. I searched for the “report/flag photo/profile” button that I’ve seen on other sites, but it doesn’t exist on eHarmony. Instead I had to waste my time going through the motions of closing this match as if it were a real match. My time is precious and I don’t appreciate having to spend it on fake matches. Another profile I was matched with supposedly came from a male, but the only accompanying photo was of a Pakistani or Indian woman in traditional garb, and the text was clearly not written by a native English speaker. I think the person filling it out was a bit confused…
I’m almost positive that eHarmony is just sending me completely random profiles as matches, and now they’re consistently sending me completely random people from Iowa, Kentucky, and Indiana, despite me setting a preference of 60 miles max. distance for my match. I really doubt there is any sophisticated matching going on behind the scenes here. The ability of the user to control who they’re matched with is low. I feel that I waste a lot of time looking at and closing matches who are clearly not a good fit for me.
Another issue I have with them is that during the sign-up process and in a subsequent e-mail they mention a “auto-renew” button in the user’s account settings. I wanted to turn this button off so that I didn’t get charged for renewal, but guess what? The button does not exist. Your only option is auto-renew!
I made the mistake of falling for one of their deep discounted subscription offers about a month ago, but I’m going to cancel soon. I’ve read online about some users having problems at the cancellation stage – I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to cancel without incident.
I think I have finally cut the cord with CM (yes!). I made some important realizations over the last week about how unhealthy our relationship was and how we were never, ever going to get what it is we really want from each other. CM helped this along by sending me an e-mail admitting that he is “messed up” and comparing our relationship to that of the Edward Norton and Helena Bonham-Carter characters in Fight Club. This was accurate. And disturbing.
For a few days last week I enjoyed writing a guy named Michael on OkCupid. He seemed promising. We exchanged 4 or 5 e-mails. In his final e-mail he asked for my phone number. I went to reply and send him my number when my screen displayed a message that his profile could not be found: The user had deleted their account. WTF? Why would you engage someone in e-mail correspondence and ask for their number, then literally hours later delete your account? He and I have no way of contacting each other now. I am left to wonder whether he had a wife or GF on the scene who discovered his account and deleted it for him.
I received a new msg from someone on OkCupid today, but his screen name contains “69.” Sorry, this is an automatic dismissal. I’m a prude that way.
So I have no prospects. This is a very unsettling feeling for me. I don’t like it. I have plenty to keep busy with, but … argh. No prospects. I’m also trying eHarmony, which is a complete waste. That deserves its own post, to follow.
My sleep schedule is completely messed up due to me taking 2 naps yesterday. I have that groggy feeling of oversleeping. I am going to get out of the house today and go to a coffee shop to work, eventually. I have managed to each breakfast. Now must shower.
I am so sad. I feel like someone or something is pressing down on me. I should be happy because I can leave this asshole behind now. But we had some good times that I will never enjoy again.
I believe that CM is/was 2 different people. I hate the evil CM for being so careless with my heart and for keeping the good CM and I apart. I mourn the loss of the good CM.
I dunno if anyone is actually reading this blog but they might be confused as to why I am so upset. I should have started the blog sooner and written more things about CM to explain everything. He was my reason for starting this blog but often I did not write about him much in the beginning because I was trying to get over him. Maybe I will write more about him now.
We dated off and on (but mostly on) from December to May, then didn’t see each for a month but kept in touch. We started seeing each other again 2.5 weeks ago and it was like one of those honeymoon periods. I stupidly stupidly thought we were getting back together, that we has making progress, that we had a chance now. But he never wanted to be back with me. I found out he was continuing to search online for new dates while chatting with me every day, shacking up with me and playing house 2 weekends in a row, and even planning a future trip with me! (that obviously he wasn’t serious about). Basically, he was leading me on and using me, thinking he could have his cake and eat it too. He only told one of his friends that he was seeing me again. He treated me like an illegitimate relationship during this time, not the serious lovebirds he claimed we were. Keep in mind this is someone I’ve known and been with for 6 months, not a few weeks. I had a lot invested in this so I didn’t appreciate being treated like a fling.
When I confronted him about his disrespectful behavior he basically went mute and then hung up the phone on me. I tried repeatedly to call him back but he refused to answer his phone. He sent me an e-mail saying he was scared, but he has never explained to me in any detail what he is or was scared about. If you are scared tell me what I can do to help you, tell me what you need from me.
I told him how upset I was and that I would not accept this behavior. I wanted to be a legitimate exclusive girlfriend or nothing at all. He whined that he felt pressured. The guy is 31 years old and has been spending significant time with me since December. I let him date other people for over a month. He has had plenty of time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me – he cannot stall any longer. Either he wants to work on our issues and be with me or he doesn’t! Sometimes an ultimatum like this is the only answer. I want to be with someone who truly wants to be with me.
Other shitty stuff happened on Tuesday which I’ve summed up in the past few posts. But basically, he showed no desire to fight for us, very little remorse for putting me through this, and no willingness to accept accountability and deal with things. The same girl he claimed to care about and at one time want to protect he was now completely abandoning. This type of behavior makes me go freakin’ crazy. I was not completely surprised based on our history but I was extremely disappointed because I had felt we had grown very close in those last 2 “reunion” weeks together – I really felt we were making progress. How could he fuck things up again?? I wrote him numerous e-mails on Tuesday night and Wed. morning to show how I upset I was. I wanted to rub it in his face and show him the consequences of his carelessness. I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday night. He is too chicken to face me. But knowing him, it’s very possible he is concocting some bullshit excuse-filled letter for me right about now, which I don’t want to read. So I created a filter on my g-mail to immediately delete his e-mails and block his chats.
CM is one of those people who doesn’t think he has to play by the same rules as everyone else, whether it’s his work or his relationships. He thinks that the rules that applied to me didn’t apply to him. As I see this aspect of him more fully now I am completely disgusted with him, which is good. I need to lose all my attraction to him. I need to see him for the selfish, dishonest, and uncaring person that he really is, that he has been to me.
The personals site network for Nerve.com, The Onion, etc. appears to be dead or taken over by the completely nasty Friend Finder. Single hipsters everywhere mourn.
UPDATE: Everything’s been moved over to FastCupid.com apparently.
I cried myself to sleep last night around 1, woke up with giant puffy face at 7:30, at cried myself to sleep again for a 10:00-11:30 nap (I work & study from home – oh the pleasures). During this nap I had the strangest freakin’ dream about Madonna! You know, she’s been in the news lately with those rumors…
Anyway, in the dream I was like walking inside a music video that was for a cover version of some 60s song. A current artist each had a part of the song. The colors were very grey and muted, and the setting was a cold and wintry place. I was walking alongside a running river – smaller than a river but bigger than a stream and flowing fast. It was Madonna’s portion of the song and video; she was dressed in marathon running garb and was swimming in the icy water. I walked alongside the bank of the river ahead of her and watched her swim and glide over the cold water with ease, almost like a dolphin. I was worried she was going to freeze to death but she did OK, until one point when she knew she hit her limit and had to get out of the water. When she came out she was very strong – I was amazed she didn’t need a blanket or anything to warm her. She was like super human. We then went into some building – there were a few other people around, and we chatted a bit. I was still very much aware that she was Madonna so I tried not to bug her too much.
I actually feel an affinity for Madonna and kind of idolize her after this weird dream. Guess I will listen to some Madonna now.
I wish I could find a man who would fight for me – who would fight for our relationship. Who wouldn’t constantly hem and haw. Who would, after an argument, call me and apologize or come over announced and give me a hug and let me know that he was still there, that we were still in this together.
I had that once so I know it’s possible. But I did not have it with CM at all.
CM was so quick to give up and look for someone else that he actually posted a Craigslist ad looking for new dates immediately after we had an argument today. An argument regarding why he was still logging in to Match.com and maintaining his profile there. I have all the proof I need to show that he wasn’t in it to win it. Unless he clearly has a different definition of “winning.”
I thought he had made progress, but he is just as lame as he always was.
I know I deserve better. But I feel so disappointed, rejected, and abandoned.
I don’t understand why someone who I cared about so much and treated well would knowingly hurt me so much? Would show such blatant disregard for my feelings and our (supposed bond)? Why? Why? Why?
