It amazes me to see so many guys on Craigslist posting notes like “don’t write me if a you’re a bot” or “only real women, no spammers!” Endearing, perhaps, but a waste of preventive effort, because bots don’t care if you want to hear from them or not. They’re not human – they’re bots. They don’t read the content of your message. They just send out spam en masse, to everyone. If you post on CL (or Twitter, for that matter) you run the risk of encountering spam bots. Boys, your time is better spent writing a post that actually describes yourself and what you’re looking for (more than 2 lines). Then maybe you’ll get something out of it besides just spam.
I’ve decided to resurrect the blog. I hope to post a couple times per week (fingers crossed).
Right now I’m not seriously dating anyone, but I have a profile on OkCupid and I still check Craigslist (even though it’s a cesspool, in my opinion). I am *extremely* frustrated with dating and hope to find some comfort or insights by venting here. I have to admit though that I am feeling pretty hopeless.
I seem to have successfully canceled eHarmony online via my account settings. I thought I would have to call customer service to do so – let’s hope I never have to.
The last straw with eHarmony came yesterday when the only match with whom I’ve ever reached the open communication stage “closed” our match, just hours after I requested to progress to a phone call or meeting. He selected the reason “I just don’t think the chemistry is there.” You never even met me, dumb ass! I had a feeling this guy might be trouble when he initially closed me on the same day our match was delivered. I was pretty surprised and disappointed that he closed me, as it was apparent from our profiles that we have a lot of common interests, including international travel, ethnic food, etc. Plus, he actually lives in St. Louis, he looked cute, and he answered “yes” to wanting to have kids. I decided to take a chance and ask him to “reopen” me. He did, and we were communicating every day for 5 days via the site. In one of his questions he asked me, out of “curiosity,” why I wanted to reopen him as a match and confessed that it was “his bad” for initially closing me. I got the feeling that he might be a bit full of himself as well as extremely picky, but I took the risk that I could perhaps pass his test. Alas, I was not even worthy of a meeting. Maybe he was annoyed that I stole his thunder and requested to meet in person before he did, or maybe he likes girls to be more flirty and fawning all over him before they’ve even met him (not my style). But probably he closed me because I don’t look like Natalie Portman. Sorry dude.
This type of experience isn’t unique to eHarmony of course, but due to the way eHarmony is structured I was perhaps coming across as more boring than I actually am. I also think eHarmony sends the message that unless you think your match is your absolute soulmate, don’t bother meeting them in person or – heaven forbid – considering a friendship with them. I don’t have time to waste on this anymore. I’m going to try Match.com again (it’s been over a year and a half since I subscribed there), and I’ll keep trying OkCupid, as well as more in-person social events. Sigh.
It’s a sad thing when a crush dies. I mean – not when the object of your crush dies (!) – but when you realize that you’re no longer interested in them, that your desire was misguided.
Bert and I went out twice in the last week, and on the second date (if you could call it that…) it hit me that he’s really lacking direction in his life, and he’s more than a bit too dorky for me. The guy has no “game” whatsoever. I thought his lack of game earlier this year was on purpose – a result of me having previously dated his friend. But by now that has blown over and there’s no excuse for bumbling around. This week he did initiate the second date, but I had to pick the location – he offered no ideas and left the decision until the last minute. He didn’t offer to pick me up. There was no physical contact – not even a hug. That would have felt forced and out of context, and of course I would have had to initiate it. Another thing: he said he doesn’t like St. Louis, which bothered me. He claims it’s not cosmopolitan enough, but Bert is not cosmopolitan. He hardly ever goes out. He complained about the cost of a soda at Bar Louie. He’s 39 and still lives with his parents (yeah… I was hoping this was temporary but it appears not to be.) Whatever Bert is truly looking for in a city, it’s here – if he looked harder and tried harder.
One way to get over someone is to develop a crush on a new person. Maybe it’s not the best way – but hey, whatever works, right? Right now I’m daydreaming about Bert (not his real name!), who’s actually not a completely new person. I met Bert last fall at a Halloween party. I was dating his friend Kurt. I was never that into Kurt and only dated him for 2 months. But the moment I saw Bert at this party I was instantly drawn to him, feeling a strong sense of animal magnetism – perhaps due to the fact that he was dressed as a werewolf – but even after I saw him again, sans fur, I fell for his black hair and deep-pools-of-cocoa eyes, and I found his somewhat quiet, bumbling demeanor endearing. I was also attracted to the fact that he’s an architect and has an impossible-to-pronounce last name. Intelligent? creative? down to earth? exotic? Check x4.
I managed to get added to Bert’s Facebook, and after Kurt and I broke up I started e-mailing Bert once or twice a week, general get-to-know-you chit chat. I wouldn’t say that sparks flew. Bert seemed to be holding back, but that was understandable considering I had just dated his friend, who was upset that I dumped him, and I know there is some kind of related “bro code” that guys aren’t supposed to violate. Also, as I would come to learn, Bert is not very suave or experienced with dating. He’s close to his family and throws himself into his work. But, alas, New Year’s Eve arrived and neither of us had anything to do. Interestingly, I had gone on my first date with CM in Decemeber but then he went out of town for an extended period of time around the holidays, and we were chatting over IM during this time, but things were not serious yet and he was not around for New Year’s. So Bert and I went to the White Flag Projects party, where we proceeded to get completely wasted. Ugh. I really do not like getting wasted, but we had prepaid for the alcohol and there was tons of it, plus we were nervous so we just kept drinking. Bert confided in me that he felt a bit guilty for going out with me due to the Kurt situation, but I told him it was OK. I remember telling myself that we were just going out as friends, although I can’t remember if I communicated that to him or not. Irregardless (yes, I know that’s not a real word), we ended up kissing at midnight… and afterward… but it was such a drunken blur, ugh. I was really upset with myself with the next day, first of all because I was insanely hungover, second of all because if Bert and I were going to get together I did not want our story to start that way, and third, even though I was not established as “together” with CM, he and I had been chatting everyday and I had told him Bert was just a friend. He still does not know I hooked up with Bert that night. I felt like I had cheated on CM, although he and I had only 1 date with no physical contact at this point.
I was very confused after the New Year’s Party. Bert called me the next day and said we should plan a date for the following week. I said OK but I let him know that I was also seeing another guy… Bert said that was fine – he almost sounded relieved actually. It was 2 weeks before we went out again and our 2nd date was very tame – a museum and pizza. I don’t think Bert offered to pay for me. CM seemed a bit concerned that I went out with Bert but I downplayed it and said I was not interested in Bert as anything more than a friend. This was a lie – I was attracted to Bert as more. But at the same time I was also very attracted to CM, and I felt that things with Bert were not moving along. I know that he found me attractive but he seemed hesitant to date me or maybe just averse to dating in general. I think he had a girlfriend in college but no much dating or activity since then, and his college was quite a while ago. Bert was moving a lot slower than I was used to, and I was concerned that he might be too ingrained into his independent, single lifestyle. We had great conversation but he seemed to not be able to take any step forward. Obviously there were a lot of things complicating the situation (CM and Kurt), but I felt like even if those things weren’t in the picture, Bert would have taken forever to get to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, and I’m not a patient person. Meanwhile, CM had returned from out of town and things were heating up with him. There were a lot of red flags with CM too, but I felt I had to choose to between these two guys, and I chose CM. I told Bert over e-mail and he seemed surprised and upset. He and I did not talk for a long time.
That was January and now it’s August. Things with CM are over, having finally run their course. I’ve chatted with Bert casually on IM a few times in the last month and haven’t mentioned that CM and I are broken up, but I think he’s acertained it from Facebook. I sent Bert an e-mail 2 days ago and he wrote back and (yay yay yay) asked me to go to dinner or get coffee. I’m waiting for him to confirm where and when. It could take days…
I’m still not sure there is a love connection possible for Bert and I but this could be another chance for me to find out.
A threshold is defined as “the starting point for a new state or experience.” One threshold in my life relates to my weight. A few years ago I discovered what I will call an “attractiveness threshold” that corresponds to my weight. Rather than put the actual poundage here (this stuff is a bit traumatic for us girls) I’ll use BMI. My BMI threshold is 25.4 – just a hair above the cut-off for normal weight, a smidge into the overweight category. When I am at or below this BMI, I get more “looks” and interest from the opposite sex. I noticed this during a period of weight loss when I was living on the East Coast and I encountered a lot more people on the street, when using public transportation, etc. Of course the use of public transportation and more walking is what helped me lose weight during that period also, but that’s another topic.
I realize that increased self-confidence and happiness due to weight loss can be a contributing factor to boosting attractiveness, but I still think that the idea of a BMI attractiveness threshold has merit.
Every guy has his own preference for female body type, but I would wager that this threshold holds up for most men and even across cultures. Probably it has a basis in human evolution. I know that researchers have studied the human male’s preferred “waist-to-hip ratio” and found that men prefer a waist significantly narrower than the hips (I’ve got this one down pat), but I’m not sure if anyone has studied men’s preferences for BMI in women. (I’m too lazy to look it up at this time…)
Currently, I am above my self-determined attractiveness “threshold,” but I am slowly making my way back towards it. My BMI now is 26.3, which puts me at the low end of overweight. Thankfully I have never been in the obese category, but in my adult life I have fluctuated between about 24.4 and 27.5, the highest being my senior year of college. For the past month I’ve been on Weight Watchers and it’s working, but slowly. My goal is to get down to 24.5 BMI again, putting me in the clear for normal weight and well below my threshold. I really like to eat – I’m a “foodie” – and I’m not so much into running or high-impact exercise, so honestly I don’t know if I can make it back to 24.5 BMI and sustain it. But I will be happy if I can settle around 25.0 BMI, which is still below my threshold and is a weight at which I’ll be able to fit into some stylish apparel hanging in my closet now that won’t zip up when I try it on.
This post might sound self-absorbed and superficial, but obviously one of my big goals is to find love, and being healthy and fit is a no-brainer for making yourself more desireable to the dating world as well as a better partner once you snag someone. I’m not deluding myself that if I lose weight my life will be perfect and Prince Charming will fall out of the sky, but maybe it will get me one step closer?
Related links: http://www.livescience.com/health/060213_attraction_rules.html
I still have about 1 month prepaid with eHarmony, and I’m trying to see if I can get anything out of it before I cancel. Recently they started sending me “Flexible Matches,” some that are actually remotely in the vicinity of STL. The interesting thing about these matches is that the majority seem to be closer to my type and who I’m looking for than who they usually send me (i.e., the most boring people they can find in Arkansas, Indiana, and Iowa). I don’t know what to make of my higher interest in the flexible matches. It could just be coincidence of course. On the other hand, it seems that eHarmony’s “compatibility system” has a very different idea of who I would match best with than I do. I suppose it’s possible that they know better, and I’m completely deluding myself and barking up the wrong tree. But I have been on this planet for a while, dating for almost half of my time here, and I know what I want. It’s frustrating to be told that I’m only compatible with people I have no interest in.
I have felt this frustration throughout my dating history: The guys I tend to be attracted to are not attracted to me. The ones who are interested in me, I tend not to go for (e.g., military guys, suburban types, Republicans). When I do find someone with whom I share a mutual chemistry, I get so excited and eager that sometimes I scare them away. Or for some other reason, such as them being an idiot, things fall apart, and I am back to square one. I have also tried to force myself to date guys for whom I felt no passion, hoping it would develop later, but it never did.
Getting back to eHarmony, I’m also annoyed that they send me so many guys who are much shorter than me. At 5′9″ I don’t mind dating down about an inch, but anything more than that looks silly. I’ve tried it in the past, and it felt awkward. It would seem to me that a major height difference in a taller woman/shorter man pairing should qualify the match for the flexible category – but no. Matching my non-religious self with the God-fearing should also be considered flexible. But of course I have no say in the matter.
I haven’t actually gone on a date yet with anyone from eHarmony. I end up closing most of my matches. It’s possible I’m being too picky, I’m sending off the wrong signals, etc. I’m probably not ready to date yet after CM or I’m not in a good place right now and I need to focus on other things… 
I’ve been neglecting the blog a bit due to other responsibilities, but let me just write a rant now on how terrible eHarmony is. I know some people have had luck finding spouses there, but first of all, the men on the site in this area are generally too religious for me, to the point of talking about the Grace of God in their profile. That is a bit much for me (and I doubt they could tolerate an unenlightened “spiritual but not religious” person such as me). But even worse is the fact that after viewing the matches they’re sending me I’m 99% sure that their touted compatibilty/matching algorithm is bogus. Why? Because I was “matched” with a completely fake profile that someone obviously created as a joke. The picture was of Will Farrell and every profile answer lauded the glory of Bud Light. I searched for the “report/flag photo/profile” button that I’ve seen on other sites, but it doesn’t exist on eHarmony. Instead I had to waste my time going through the motions of closing this match as if it were a real match. My time is precious and I don’t appreciate having to spend it on fake matches. Another profile I was matched with supposedly came from a male, but the only accompanying photo was of a Pakistani or Indian woman in traditional garb, and the text was clearly not written by a native English speaker. I think the person filling it out was a bit confused…
I’m almost positive that eHarmony is just sending me completely random profiles as matches, and now they’re consistently sending me completely random people from Iowa, Kentucky, and Indiana, despite me setting a preference of 60 miles max. distance for my match. I really doubt there is any sophisticated matching going on behind the scenes here. The ability of the user to control who they’re matched with is low. I feel that I waste a lot of time looking at and closing matches who are clearly not a good fit for me.
Another issue I have with them is that during the sign-up process and in a subsequent e-mail they mention a “auto-renew” button in the user’s account settings. I wanted to turn this button off so that I didn’t get charged for renewal, but guess what? The button does not exist. Your only option is auto-renew!
I made the mistake of falling for one of their deep discounted subscription offers about a month ago, but I’m going to cancel soon. I’ve read online about some users having problems at the cancellation stage – I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to cancel without incident.
I think I have finally cut the cord with CM (yes!). I made some important realizations over the last week about how unhealthy our relationship was and how we were never, ever going to get what it is we really want from each other. CM helped this along by sending me an e-mail admitting that he is “messed up” and comparing our relationship to that of the Edward Norton and Helena Bonham-Carter characters in Fight Club. This was accurate. And disturbing.
For a few days last week I enjoyed writing a guy named Michael on OkCupid. He seemed promising. We exchanged 4 or 5 e-mails. In his final e-mail he asked for my phone number. I went to reply and send him my number when my screen displayed a message that his profile could not be found: The user had deleted their account. WTF? Why would you engage someone in e-mail correspondence and ask for their number, then literally hours later delete your account? He and I have no way of contacting each other now. I am left to wonder whether he had a wife or GF on the scene who discovered his account and deleted it for him.
I received a new msg from someone on OkCupid today, but his screen name contains “69.” Sorry, this is an automatic dismissal. I’m a prude that way.
So I have no prospects. This is a very unsettling feeling for me. I don’t like it. I have plenty to keep busy with, but … argh. No prospects. I’m also trying eHarmony, which is a complete waste. That deserves its own post, to follow.
My sleep schedule is completely messed up due to me taking 2 naps yesterday. I have that groggy feeling of oversleeping. I am going to get out of the house today and go to a coffee shop to work, eventually. I have managed to each breakfast. Now must shower.
I am so sad. I feel like someone or something is pressing down on me. I should be happy because I can leave this asshole behind now. But we had some good times that I will never enjoy again.
I believe that CM is/was 2 different people. I hate the evil CM for being so careless with my heart and for keeping the good CM and I apart. I mourn the loss of the good CM.
I dunno if anyone is actually reading this blog but they might be confused as to why I am so upset. I should have started the blog sooner and written more things about CM to explain everything. He was my reason for starting this blog but often I did not write about him much in the beginning because I was trying to get over him. Maybe I will write more about him now.
We dated off and on (but mostly on) from December to May, then didn’t see each for a month but kept in touch. We started seeing each other again 2.5 weeks ago and it was like one of those honeymoon periods. I stupidly stupidly thought we were getting back together, that we has making progress, that we had a chance now. But he never wanted to be back with me. I found out he was continuing to search online for new dates while chatting with me every day, shacking up with me and playing house 2 weekends in a row, and even planning a future trip with me! (that obviously he wasn’t serious about). Basically, he was leading me on and using me, thinking he could have his cake and eat it too. He only told one of his friends that he was seeing me again. He treated me like an illegitimate relationship during this time, not the serious lovebirds he claimed we were. Keep in mind this is someone I’ve known and been with for 6 months, not a few weeks. I had a lot invested in this so I didn’t appreciate being treated like a fling.
When I confronted him about his disrespectful behavior he basically went mute and then hung up the phone on me. I tried repeatedly to call him back but he refused to answer his phone. He sent me an e-mail saying he was scared, but he has never explained to me in any detail what he is or was scared about. If you are scared tell me what I can do to help you, tell me what you need from me.
I told him how upset I was and that I would not accept this behavior. I wanted to be a legitimate exclusive girlfriend or nothing at all. He whined that he felt pressured. The guy is 31 years old and has been spending significant time with me since December. I let him date other people for over a month. He has had plenty of time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me – he cannot stall any longer. Either he wants to work on our issues and be with me or he doesn’t! Sometimes an ultimatum like this is the only answer. I want to be with someone who truly wants to be with me.
Other shitty stuff happened on Tuesday which I’ve summed up in the past few posts. But basically, he showed no desire to fight for us, very little remorse for putting me through this, and no willingness to accept accountability and deal with things. The same girl he claimed to care about and at one time want to protect he was now completely abandoning. This type of behavior makes me go freakin’ crazy. I was not completely surprised based on our history but I was extremely disappointed because I had felt we had grown very close in those last 2 “reunion” weeks together – I really felt we were making progress. How could he fuck things up again?? I wrote him numerous e-mails on Tuesday night and Wed. morning to show how I upset I was. I wanted to rub it in his face and show him the consequences of his carelessness. I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday night. He is too chicken to face me. But knowing him, it’s very possible he is concocting some bullshit excuse-filled letter for me right about now, which I don’t want to read. So I created a filter on my g-mail to immediately delete his e-mails and block his chats.
CM is one of those people who doesn’t think he has to play by the same rules as everyone else, whether it’s his work or his relationships. He thinks that the rules that applied to me didn’t apply to him. As I see this aspect of him more fully now I am completely disgusted with him, which is good. I need to lose all my attraction to him. I need to see him for the selfish, dishonest, and uncaring person that he really is, that he has been to me.
